My grandmother paid for my sister’s IVF. I feel ripped off

Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.
Inheritance disputes are never easy – especially when a special bequest creates a feeling of unfairness among siblings. Photo / 123rf
Advice on what to do when your feelings are hurt by a grandparent’s will, how to address tricky flatshare logistics, and is it okay to give back a gift?

Q. In her will, my grandmother divided her estate equally among my mother and her four adult grandchildren. But
there was a separate bequest of US$13,000 ($21,000) to my mother – before the calculation of anyone else’s share – to help my younger sister with her IVF treatments. This means that most of us are about US$3000 ($4900) worse off because of this bequest that none of us knew about. Is it reasonable to expect my sister to reimburse us for this sweetheart deal that we were not a part of? When I asked my mother and sister gently for an explanation, I got the runaround and felt that I was attacked for being confrontational. They think I should be more sensitive to my sister’s fertility issues. But I can’t help feeling ripped off! – Granddaughter

A. If your feelings are hurt by your grandmother’s will – if you think that she played favourites among her grandchildren, for instance, or that she prioritised your sister’s fertility issues above your needs – I sympathise with you. Many people see gifts as proxies for love and believe that children (and grandchildren) should be treated equally in wills – down to the last penny.
You don’t mention hurt feelings, though. Instead, you imply that your grandmother owed you an explanation for her will. (She did not. Many lawyers recommend transparency in estate planning, but it is not a requirement.) Now I don’t know the circumstances here, but if you believe that your grandmother was pressured or hoodwinked – you call it a “sweetheart deal” – you may certainly consult a lawyer. But I suspect this is not what you’re suggesting.
It seems more likely that your charges stem from a misunderstanding: we are not entitled to receive a penny from our parents or grandparents when they die. No one stole $3000 from you because it was never yours to steal. People leave their money as they choose. That doesn’t mean you won’t feel bad if you think you’ve been slighted. But your grandmother had every right to help your sister with extraordinary medical expenses – regardless of how you feel about it.
Q. My best friend and I have wanted to be roommates for years, but the timing was never right until now. We were thrilled! Then she reminded me that her boyfriend of six months stays with her every Friday night, all day Saturday and most Saturday nights. (He lives far away, and they only see each other on the weekends.) The idea of an extra person in the apartment every weekend makes my stomach churn. What should I do? – Friend
A. Trust your instincts. (And good for your bestie for raising this issue before you moved in together!) A regular weekly houseguest, as your friend proposes, becomes a quasi roommate. So: will he leave the bathroom and kitchen tidy? Will he contribute to the costs of the apartment? Will you feel comfortable with him there? To me, it sounds as if the timing is still not right. One thought, though: would it make a difference to you if your friend agreed to alternate weekends between his place and your shared one?
Q, My mother-in-law gave my husband and me a bottle of Champagne for our anniversary. The only issue: I stopped drinking two years ago because it had become a big problem for me. I thought she knew. Is it okay to thank her warmly for thinking of us and return the Champagne with an explanation of why I can’t accept it? – Daughter-in-law
A. Of course! A thank you and brief explanation seem like the perfect combo here. You don’t want a family member – and possibly a regular gift giver – sending you more booze. And it isn’t fair to expect your mother-in-law to know you’ve stopped drinking until you tell her directly. Personally, I might regift the Champagne rather than return it. The latter may smack of rejection. (Also: well done on managing your drinking!)
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
©2024 THE NEW YORK TIMES
Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.